Argh.

Well, I haven’t had the energy or will to write about much here, but riddle me this:

What exactly are you supposed to do when you’ve been seduced into what you thought was a significant friendship, one that actually turned out to mean a lot to you, especially in times of hardship, based on an unlikely connection indeed, and yet one that seemed to transcend history?

And this person you’ve learned to care about as you would any close friend, they invite you to their turf, even after flaking on you many times, and you decide to go, because their friendship has meant THAT much to you for so long now, and you go, and though it takes so much out of you, you do it because you feel you owe this person in a way, and quite frankly, you have so much in common, even though you have the most fabulous circle of friends and don’t really have time for another, you feel it would be a CRIME not to pursue this, as this person has shown signs of understanding you on a much deeper level than you have ever experienced in any REAL way.

This person has been places that you have, physically and emotionally, that no one else you know has.  It’s comforting, and inspiring, in a way.

Then you realize, this person is sensitive too, just like you… this person is having SUCH a hard time adjusting to new expectations of herself… she’s in a new environment, she has someone new to answer to, and she is in a world that is not forgiving, not at all. And you know this, because she told you.  And you understand. But you see, you see she is keeping her head up as best she can, and as far as you’re concerned, she is doing a fabulous job. And you feel, you feel after all, the least you can do is reach out to her, because she has reached out to you in so many ways that you didn’t even think you deserved… and you just want to  return the feeling.

So you tell her you want to hang out, you want her to come along on your outings with friends… you really have such a fabulous set of friends, and you think, they’d love this girl, she’s got such a big heart… but she turns you down, she doesn’t answer, she says yes, I will meet you at that coffee shop, and then she flakes out. Over and over again. And you start to get mixed signals, like, maybe she finds you annoying as hell. Maybe everyone finds you annoying as hell.

But you just wanted to do for her something that had the gravity of what she’s done for you: Unquestioning acceptance.

She comes back shortly, she comes back, and gives you the recommendation of a book of poetry that is the most incredible you ever read, poetry that makes you stop and think about things you’d shoved into the background of your head until now, poetry that makes your breath catch in your throat.  To be fair, you’ve never been into poetry, but this first foray, makes you think, God, why was I WRITING “poetry” all this time and never bothering to understand POETRY? Why? Because I was Scared, that’s why.

So, all these things have transpired, and now she’s distant, like someone you shared a college class with, only you never did, only one lover, and you think, is that it? You’re tortured in a way, and in another way you get it: HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN RIGHT.  But you can’t stand to live in a world where this is true… but she’s been talking of unhappiness that gives you unease because you know the unhappiness of which she speaks… she’s drowning, she’s drowning, and then she claims we’ve all overreacted.

You feel like a chump. No. A Chump-and-a-half.  You screw up your courage and tell her you feel misled and apologize for being so overbearing. You only wanted to do right by her, because she did so much for you.

You never hear from her.

But riddle me this: what would you have done?